|Intro|73-78|78-80|1994|2003|2012|
Weymouth Grammar School 1973–78/80: Two in a Million
On Saturday 18th November 1978, no doubt millions were settling down in front of the telly (most households only had one then - something that no doubt would seem incredulous to the youth of today) for another helping of “The Generation Game” on BBC1. But there were at least a few of us (probably mostly in the South Dorset area) who chose to forego that treat in order to watch a documentary that was being broadcast on what was then the Beeb’s “other” channel simultaneously (there were also of course no video recorders in most homes back then!).
The programme in question was called “Two In A Million”, and focused on two pupils of differing academic aspirations (one being a swot, and the other a loafer) at Weymouth Grammar School - following them in “fly-on-the-wall” style (which was actually quite rare in those days, as opposed to the “reality show” culture that dominates now) as they prepared for and took their exams. I was in the same year as one of them, so of course found it of great interest.
But before proceeding further, one must ask why the mighty Beeb chose a school in a small town in the West Country to film in, rather than in London or one of the large provincial cities? Well as it happened they were often filming in the area in the sunnier parts of the year (a lot of "The Goodies” location work was done there), and by one account I heard it was a giant beano whereby the crews had a jolly good time at the expense of the TV licence payer after a day's shooting. So perhaps when the idea came up, they thought they might as well use the local school as they had yet another excuse for a "busman's holiday"! But whatever the reason, our humble academic institution in the hinterlands was chosen for the project. To my recollection teachers were asked to submit a shortlist of suitable “candidates” to the show’s producers to fill the roles required (more on that later), and the two chosen were then filmed on-and-off for several months - both in interviews, and going about their business both before and after their exams.
Since being broadcast that night (to the nation I believe), as far as I know there have never been any public screenings of it. Twenty five years later I organised a school reunion for my year, and thought as part of that it would be great for alumni (including one of the participants) to watch it again after all that time. Sadly though, I wasn’t able to obtain a copy of it either via the Beeb or the school at the time and so presumed like many BBC programmes from that era that it was lost forever. But I continued to make sporadic attempts to track it down as I thought it would be of great interest to watch again anyway, and the ongoing expansion of the internet gave me hope that maybe a print of it was still out there somewhere?
Lo and behold, I eventually managed to locate a digital copy kept in the archives of the British Film Institute. So when i nextI had occasion to visit London I made a viewing reservation, and watched it again for the first time in nearly 40 years! Having now done so (several times over for the purposes of this review) I have written the following synopsis, along with relevant comments and recollections where considered necessary. Sadly copyright restrictions prevented me from acquiring any pictorial stills of the programme, so you’ll have to make do with a thousand words (actually: nearly three thousand!):
From The Radio Times
There are no opening titles or music as the programme starts with a shot of pupils making their way up and down one of the school’s staircases, with the stereotypical sound of a bell being rung to indicate change of lessons (I had forgotten that in reality, a less-traditional series of "pips" bleeped from a speaker on the classroom wall for that purpose in our place of learning). I didn’t recognise any of them, but noticed that long flared skirts were much in evidence (in contrast to the mini-skirts worn by teenaged female pupils nowadays).
We then get to see deputy head "Baby" Bonnett giving instruction on exam procedures from the Assembly Hall stage. The camera pans around to reveal other DH “Kitty” Kane sitting next to him, and then an audience of pupils seated in rows as the voiceover begins. The camera then zooms in on one of the “Two in a Million” (Andy Williams - with whom I was on speaking terms, if not friends with). In keeping with his role as the “slacker”, shaggy-haired Andy looks somewhat casual and not particularly interested in proceedings. At that point I identified several familiar faces in the crowd: John Oldridge (presumably taking his maths “O” level a year early, as I had done the year before), Michael (later “Max”) Arnold, Lisa Broddle, Neil Richards, and a red-haired girl from form “U” (Karen Toleman?). I also think Iain Maule is sitting directly behind Andy, although his face is obscured. Further back is teacher Annie Clarke, who is presumably there to keep some form of order? Or maybe she’s keen to get her mug on celluloid?
The camera then does likewise with the other participant (Fiona Phillips, who is two years above us, and thus taking her “A” levels), who somewhat curiously sits right at the back of the hall with only one other pupil. Some of us will remember this chap as Jeffrey Trim and her fellow leading light in the school’s annual Gilbert & Sullivan productions, but no reference is made to that. Rather amusingly, a peer in front of her wears both a school uniform (still compulsory for sixth-formers at this point) and a moustache so hirsute it would have been the envy of TV detective Magnum! Fiona has a rather prim and austere (and old-fashioned even then) scraped-back hairstyle, that the director probably encouraged if not insisted upon to emphasise her role as the “swot”. Although to my recollection, she normally wore it in that manner anyway.
The next scene is of pupils making their way along the ground-floor corridor presumably to another class, as the "bell" rings again. The camera focuses on a radiant Caroline Taylor (one can see why so many of her male peers “fancied” her) as she chats with 5P classmates Helen Turrell and Alison Chalker. It then pulls away as the title is shown, and others I can identify are Nick Camp, Ollie Hawkins (who seems in an ebullient mood) and (blink and you’ll miss him) Mark Sawyer. I’m also pretty sure that's Craig Hosford in the background, who i think I was behind at the time. Unlike some scenes, this wasn't staged as I remember walking down that corridor and suddenly being confronted by the camera. Sadly though any footage taken of me was left on the cutting room floor, which meant I had to wait four decades longer to make my telly debut!
We then see Fiona in class discussing matters with maths teacher Mr King (who was rather embarrassingly known as “Paki” by some due to his dark skin). Meanwhile, Andy saunters past the tuck shop in the foyer in conversation with David “Eddie” Edwards (both have light-grey trousers on - part of the school uniform that I have only a vague recollection of, and certainly never wore. Like blue shirts, they may have been deemed semi-acceptable by the school authorities by this point). In their wake are Jon Lanham, Tim Norman and Steve Ellard. The latter is very animated, and Tim chortles away at something he has said. Their interaction surprises me, as I always thought of Tim as a nice and friendly type - and certainly not part of the “hard nut” element!
There then follows an extremely-contrived scene where a typically scruffy, beardy & speccy teacher of the era (whom I have no recollection of - I assumed he was a “ringer”, but was a guy there called Mr Tempest) is rambling on about one of Shakespeare's plays (although alas, “Romeo and Juliet” rather than “The Tempest” ho ho) whilst Sally Cheeseman (with shag perm) and Steve Cowan (who in contrast to the scary kid I remember, looks almost cute with his bouffant hair) mess about with Andy at the back of what looks like a curiously otherwise-empty classroom. Sally gets a close-up as teacher tells her to turn around - an instruction she of course practically ignores whilst continuing to chat with the others. Sitting the other side of Andy is Mark Kirby, who contrast to the degenerates is furiously pretending to read the tome in question on his desk in front of him in a performance deserving of at least a BAFTA award. We then get to see Fiona doing some private studying in what was the teachers’ dining room, going on about ionisation energies (whatever they are?). She gets a name credit.
Next we cut to Andy’s woodwork class (he gets a name credit at this point), where others I spot are Kibby (again) and Colin “Spud” Budd. But one classmate is absent from the scene, as I remember Bob Mears hanging around in my class in the adjoining metalwork room whilst they were filming. When I asked the reason why, he somewhat irately informed me he was so pissed-off he had been approached to play the “slacker” role in the programme that he wanted nothing to do with it!
Andy then leaves school and walks past the pupils waiting at the bus stops near the gates - including by sheer coincidence (not!) Fiona and her male companion (are they an item, or just good friends? the viewer never gets to find out). This is the nearest our titular protagonists get to interact with each other. We then see Fiona and her chum on the bus as it goes along the esplanade, accompanied by some jaunty acoustic guitar music that had no doubt been acquired from a Library/Production Music Company.
In the meantime Andy (with despised school tie already removed) walks past a cat on his way back home in Wyke Regis, via what I’ve always considered the impressive vista of Hillcrest Road (the director obviously felt likewise). He disappears around the back of his rather dilapidated terraced council house (complete with those small multi-paned windows that councils insisted on them having back then), before we see him having dinner with his family as they discuss his upcoming exams - with mother being fairly sceptical of his chances of success.
Fiona is then seen strolling along in the sleepy picture-postcard village of Sutton Poyntz (complete with birdsong) where she lives. In contrast to Andy’s abode, her home is a beautiful (and probably very old) two-storey cottage with two cars in the lengthy drive (not a common sight at the time – one is a Hillman Imp, but we never find out if that’s hers or not). By coincidence (or maybe not?) she also passes a cat. We then meet her parents (that somewhat amusingly - if scarily - are clones of Maggie & Denis Thatcher!), who are taking afternoon tea in the sprawling back garden. Posh mummy chastises Fiona for staying up too late to study.
Andy is next seen “helping” his father do some unspecified manual work in their back garden. Dad (who seems a very salt-of-the-earth type, with a pronounced carrot-crunching accent) gives Andy advice on his options after school. When asked if he wants anything to help with his studies, Andy merely requests a stylus for his record player as he thinks studying in quiet is boring. He then discusses his exam chances with the interviewer in his bedroom (he “hopes to get six “O” levels, but will be very pleased with four”). He re-iterates revision is tedious and says school life is "a real drag", and that he’s sometimes naughty and gets detention. Meanwhile, in her home Fiona talks of her hopes of going to university, before being seen poring over her chemistry homework with her father - who appears to be an expert in that field (“the molarity of sodium hydroxide” is discussed).
We then see various stills of the pair sitting their exams, with much head-scratching and puzzled expressions set to some cod-baroque music. These photos are apparently candid, although I don’t remember taking any exams in casual wear. There are then further contrasts between the two pupils shown as we follow them whilst they await their results: Fiona goes camping with the school’s Christian Union Society, where she participates in a three-legged race with Jeff and Paul “Larry Lamb” Stone among others. Meanwhile, Andy throws a beach party at Sandsfoot Cove where he and his friends/associates (mostly of the "hard nut" fraternity, so I wasn't on the guest list ha ha) delight in a ritual burning of his school blazer on a campfire. Among those present, I could identify Anne Rogers, Janice Thomson and Steve Ellard once again. Fiona is also filmed giving piano lessons in her home to a young girl (the nearest we get to seeing her musical talents in the programme, despite her regular performances in the G&S shows at the Pavilion), whilst Andy (now also sporting a shag perm) is seen half-heartedly flipping burgers in the Wimpy Bar as voiceover man dryly repeats a quote he has made about “feeding the grockles”.
And then we get to the dreaded day when the results are delivered. Fiona reads hers before notifying her parents. She feels they are “not as good as hoped, but better than expected”, whilst "Maggie" exclaims “Super!” and "Denis" adds “Jolly good!”. Despite not being as good as she had hoped for, the grades indicate she could still be accepted by several universities. Meanwhile, Andy "anxiously" hangs around by his front door for the envelope containing his results to drop through the letterbox. When it (conveniently) arrives he opens it in the presence of his parents, who are perhaps inevitably disappointed when Andy rather embarrassingly discovers he has passed only one “O” level. And that was a grade “E”. This elicits responses such as “Good grief!” and “Rather a disaster” as Andy acts suitably sheepish. But in fact the whole scene is staged, as I heard that when they filmed the incident for real there was a technical hitch and thus it had to be re-shot. So full marks to Andy (for a change) for a pretty convincing performance. When interviewed about his dismal exam grades, he quips “It was a mistake - they sent me the wrong results”. But levity aside, he’s not that bothered as he knows he can take the exams again the following year in the belief he’s likely to do better next time.
The programme concludes with a summary of the pair as photos of them are shown: Fiona went on to University to study for a medical degree, whilst as expected Andy returned to re-sit several of his “O” levels. Some credits then appear, accompanied by the same jaunty acoustic guitar music heard earlier. Neither voiceover man or director (who may well have been one and the same) are credited, but the film editor was one Richard Parfitt - who was presumably not Quo's guitarist?
Of course, had this film been made more in more recent times or maybe by a production company with a higher profile than BBC South, then we might have got to have seen some kind of follow-up programme (in the manner of the “Seven-Up” series) to find out what impact the exam results had (if any) on these pupils’ consequent lives. Sadly though, that never happened. Although time marches on, they are both still around and as such could be filmed again in that regard - assuming they want to be. However, without clearance for the original programme to be broadcast again I don’t suppose that’s ever likely to happen. A great shame, given the rubbish that passes as "reality television" these days. I also think it's criminal (regardless or not of any personal connection) that such a programme of historical and cultural interest languishes collecting dust in the BFI's archives, rather than it being in the public domain for all to see.
However, what I can tell you as a result of making my own enquiries in that regard is: Although I don't know if she ever had a medical career, Fiona married Jeff and they remain happily so. As for Andy: he took an electrician's apprenticeship, and eventually ended up as boss of his own firm. These days he lives little more than a stone's throw from his childhood domicile - but in a very nice place of his own, as opposed to a shabby old council house. Thus, being living proof that "O" levels are barely worth the paper they are written on!
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