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Critical Mess

Most of the following film and TV series reviews were originally submitted to an internet DVD hire site that is no longer in existence. So I thought it would be a good idea to preserve them here, as well as adding a few more written since then.

A BAY OF BLOOD (1971)

A waste of time

This Italian horror flick is supposedly the first 'slasher' movie and an inspiration for the likes of 'Friday the 13th', but that alone doesn't justify your time watching it. The photography is quite good (if a little dark), and the music is of some interest to those into that kind of thing. But the fact is that there is not much in the way of dialogue, and what there is (all dubbed in that weird continental-meets-mid Atlantic accent that was fashionable at the time) completely fails to catch one's interest. Even top-billed Claudine Auger (who doesn't actually appear until at least half-way through the film) is a relative let-down after her stunning appearance as Domino in "Thunderball".

After being bored senseless for about 20 minutes or so (despite the amount of superfluous female flesh on display - another fad back then) I decided to make use of the fast-forward facility just to watch the killings, which were probably considered shocking at the time but nowadays look fairly tame. Afterwards, I read another review of this film elsewhere on the internet... and the author admitted to doing exactly the same thing!

A FATAL INVERSION (TV serial, 1992)

A welcome stroll down Memory Lane

Despite much of the BBC’s past now being available on DVD, a substantial amount of its less-celebrated stuff still remains locked away in its archives, and I always assumed this early 90’s serial would be one of those destined to never see the light of day again. I certainly remembered watching it with great anticipation when it was first broadcast in the early 90’s as it featured a couple of actors from the recent series “Capital City” that I had much enjoyed. Certain parts of this dark and intriguing drama about skeletons in the closet strongly remained in my memory, but there were other things about it I had forgotten about, such as who played the lead actor's chum, and how the whole thing actually ended. So having mused it would be good to watch it again someday, I was pleasantly surprised to discover it had actually been given a DVD release, and therefore the opportunity to refresh my memory.

The “chum” turned out to be played by Jeremy Northam, who has gone on to bigger things since then. Here he plays a cold and arrogant medical student (and later successful doctor), and is excellent throughout. Main man Douglas Hodge is not quite so strong as his less-confident and malleable companion who inherits a country house where their plans to start up an idyllic commune go awry. But then again unlike Northam he has to display a much wider range of emotions, from carefree immature youth to under-stress and paranoid family man. Out of the rest involved, perhaps the most striking performance of all is by Hodge’s “Capital City” colleague Saira Todd as the mentally-unhinged fly-in-the-ointment who gate-crashes the party and triggers tragic events. It’s interesting watching this over 20 years since it was made, seeing just how much times have changed in the interim. The tale flashes back and forwards between the then-present and a past 10 years or so earlier, and yet due to today’s misty-eyed nostalgic obsession with the era of disco and punk, the affluent power-dressing early 90’s now somehow seems more distant. The "then" scenes are quite an eye-opener, in that they involve plenty of naked flesh that would probably never be seen if re-created today. Also there are hints of a “bromance” going on between the two chums despite supposedly being straight guys – something that would have seemed quite provoking at the time, but less so now. Another sign of those times is the supercilious approach of the police pursuing their investigations: would they really try and intimidate and browbeat people to confess to their suspected crimes in the way they do here? It seems unlikely and over-dramatic in today’s p.c. (sorry!) climate, but then again I remember being given similar treatment by plod in my younger days, and my misdemeanours were nothing compared to what’s going on here.

Overall though, an excellent serial and a great trip down memory lane that I would think many of my now-middle-aged peers would also enjoy, even if they never saw this when originally broadcast. There is also a first-class haunting soundtrack, that unlike the series itself will sadly probably never be commercially released. And as an aside, if you see it then keep an eye out for blink-and-you’ll-miss-them appearances from a couple of guys who have since become much more familiar faces.

ALIENATOR (1990)

Terminator this Is not

Top-billed star Jan-Michael Vincent had recently come off the popular TV series "Airwolf" when he signed up for this sci-fi baloney as a boorish boss of an alien penal colony. Therefore maybe his (relatively) high wage demands were the reason he appears in less than half the film, and even then does little other than scowl. So when an inmate escapes to earth and lands in a forestry park, instead of pursuing himself he dispatches the alienator - a female bodybuilder garbed in metal bikini and Tina Turner fright-wig, armed with a laser gun that she can't hit a barn door with. Sadly as the park warden up against her, second banana John Philip Law's best days were long behind him despite his good looks and graciousness - one can almost see a thought bubble saying "Am i really reduced to this rubbish?". But he puts in a decent performance anyway. Well, compared to most of the cast - especially the mandatory (and suspiciously old-looking) college kids that get mixed up in it all.

The whole thing is so low-budget that the soundtrack (which basically consists of one analog synth patch) sounds like it's being performed "live" in the style of pianists playing along to silent movies! I don't know if this film was made as some kind of cash-in on 'the terminator' or intended as a parody of 50's sci-fi (or both), but it ends up somewhere between so bad it's good, and just plain bad.

CAPTAIN KRONOS – VAMPIRE HUNTER (1974)

Captain Chronic – bored this punter

This was apparently intended to be the first of a series of films with a new slant on vampirism, designed to resuscitate the ailing Hammer studios. That never happened due to financial difficulties, but if the first one itself is anything to go by then it’s no surprise. What is surprising is that the man responsible for this was none other than Brian Clemens, the celebrated creator of “The Avengers” and several other classic 60’s and 70’s action/fantasy TV series. However, perhaps he was so used to churning out 45 minute fare that something twice as long had him biting off more than he could chew. It certainly seems that way as there are long periods of nothing much going on.

It also doesn’t help that the Captain is a man of few words, and to be honest of not much action either, and he seems more interested in showing off his sinewy torso and having rolls in the hay (literally as well as figuratively) with buxom wench Caroline Munro than hunting vampires. The only really interesting character is his eccentric hunchback henchman, but that alone does not justify your time watching this. Unless of course you want to indulge yourself in a game of “spot-the-lookalike”, as our hero is a ringer for racing driver James Hunt whilst posh pretty-boy villain Shane Briant does his usual impression of Queen drummer Roger Taylor. There is even a brief appearance by a guy that bears more-than a resemblance to Gary Gl*tter. You can also have a laugh at the fact that although this is supposed to be set sometime around the 1770’s, the hairstyles are a giveaway that it was made in the 1970’s. That is apart from one particular lady who looks like she has just stepped out of a Vidal Sassoon salon circa 1967!

FREEWHEELERS (TV series, 1971)

The postmodern-kitsch-irony wheels fall off

I have vague memories of watching a couple of episodes of this kids' adventure series in my childhood, that was of the few original programmes made by the somewhat dire "Southern TV" ITV franchise. however i lived in a place where the signal was so weak, that i was usually forced to watch the even-worse "Westward TV" that broadcast their own tedious farming programmes in preference. So I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately though it was awful to the point where even kids of today would find it risable, never mind retro-kitsch middle-aged types like me desperately trying to reclaim their lost youth - it seems you can only take such things so far.

The "plot" for the serial I watched (featuring a megalomaniac who calls himself "Nero") was utterly preposterous with coincidences that a 5 year old would find over-numerous, never mind its target audience of early teens. And there was rank bad acting throughout. Two of the "kids" (actually played by people in their mid-20's which was quite common in those days, the most notorious example being "Please Sir") are unbearably posh and talk like they are 30 years older than their real ages. But even they are preferable to the third, who apart from having the acting abilities of a plank of wood has obviously been let loose in the pie shop (and isn't slow to take his shirt off, which makes that even more obvious). Could they not find anyone better? Of course the more experienced actors know this is complete tosh and ham it up accordingly (Michael Ripper plays his part as though he can't believe his good fortune that someone else other than Hammer has given him employment).

In the context of retro-kitsch irony, most of it would be acceptable enough along with the good stuff like the Mini-Moke (and in my case seeing location footage of the town i grew up in). But sadly it was the complete implausibility of it all that finally did for me. Among numerous examples are middle-aged men being able to out-sprint young and fit people (ok, that might have been believable if it was just the pie-eater chasing them); a man having a picnic (complete with basket and tablecloth) on his own by the roadside; the villain's lair being a den of luxury (complete with telephone and other technology) whilst the building used for the 'outside' has obviously been derelict for some time to put it mildly (and no, i don't think it was part of the evil mastermind's fiendish plan to head people off at the pass); and the adult good guy's American accent put on to fool the baddies - which would fool no one in real life and is like no other Yankie accent i've ever heard before (sort-of Texan via Eton). However the "shark-jumping moment" for me was when one of our young heroes just managed to escape from a plane that had a bomb on board, and then we see the explosion. And that is all we see i.e. an explosion (or rather a somewhat feeble incendiary device going off), with no sign of the plane whatsoever - they couldn't even be bothered to blow up a model one. If despite the above warning you still want to watch this rubbish, then I recommend you do so a: with others, and b: with plenty of "recreational refreshments" available - not on your own and sober as i did.

GONKS GO BEAT (1965)

Carry On grooving

Gonks were popular and fashionable dolls of the swinging sixties in Blighty (originating from Scandinavia i think), although to be frank once the (admittedly groovy) Saul Bass-style credits have ended they don't have a lot to do with this cheap-looking film - which is basically an excuse for Decca Records to promote their acts, wrapped around a thin and contrived comedy fantasy where an alien (played by Kenneth Connor of "Carry On" fame as a well-meaning but bumbling oaf) tries to unite warring music factions of beat and balladry. Thus giving Decca the opportunity to promote their more homely acts as well as the hipper ones, including the guy who later became stalwart Nurse Charlie of “Casualty” as a teenaged acoustic guitar-strumming crooner.

Most of the Decca roster never really got anywhere despite being featured in this film (and as a result some their recordings are now probably much-prized by hardcore collectors) - the one act that did (The Rolling Stones) presumably by this time either didn't need the exposure, or else refused to be associated with such nonsense. Even participants such as Lulu and future Cream cohorts Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker only had major success once they left the label. Still, even though it failed its original purpose and was a complete flop at the time (maybe it was a tax write-off?), now it has been exhumed (thanks to postmodern-kitsch-irony groovers), despite its cheesiness there is much to be enjoyed by enthusiasts of pop and the era - including spotting more familiar faces than most of the acts on show, such as Captain Peacock from “Are You Being Served” as a middle-aged A&R man (back in the days when mid-40’s really was middle-aged and out-of touch Daddio, although ironically most A&R men of that era were that old. And fuddy-duddy.), and beautiful Babs ("Don’t know what her name is" fnar fnar) later of Pan’s People.

HAYWIRE (2011)

Convoluted thriller makes Jason Bourne look like Mr Bean

First of all the good points of this frustrating intrigue/action thriller: as you'd expect from a director of Steven Soderbergh's stature the filming is impressive, and there are a couple of excellent chases (one with the protagonist as the hunter, another as the hunted), plus some fearsomely realistic fight scenes (especially one in a hotel room). However much of this is negated by the murky plot that is far too clever for its own good - with the result that I for one couldn't tell what was going on a lot of the time, who was who and which were the goodies and which were the baddies. The fact that much of the film is in flashback mode (or perhaps flashforward - it was that difficult to tell for a long time) didn't help either. There are also serious flaws that strain the film's credibility, such as: when the leading lady is helped by an innocent bystander, why does she proceed to take him "hostage" in his car and try to explain what is going on? Surely for no reason other than exposition, as he serves no other purpose in the film. And as a supposedly experienced operative, why would she put a perfect stranger's life at risk without justification? Another example is: when an adversary has an easy opportunity to kill off our 'heroine', why doesn't he just shoot her instead of trying to beat her to death?

Although the practice has receded in more recent times (probably because of annoyed punters' complaints), this film is another that insists on leaving all the credits until the end - does anyone know why this suddenly became a fad about 10 years ago, and for what reason? All i know is that it seems pointless, and is a personal bugbear of mine - in this case it even helped to distract me from the film as i was wondering who was playing what. for example, who was this woman that was capable of beating several shades of the brown smelly stuff out of her (male) opponents? I didn't find that out until the end and even then it was someone i'd never heard of before. also, presumably due to his reputation director Soderbergh has managed to get in some leading male players in cameo roles: Michael Douglas was of course instantly recognisable (he would be even if he spoke with his back to you) but others were not. for example, who was the familiar-looking shadowy bearded figure? only just before the film's conclusion did i put my finger on it being Antonio Banderas. and who was the ordinary-looking guy that the leading lady accompanies on a mission as "eye candy"? a belatedly-recognised Michael Fassbender. In conclusion, a wasted opportunity despite the level of talent involved - if you want a satisfying intellectual action thriller, then you're probably better off sticking with the "Bourne" franchise.

LONDON IN THE RAW (1964)

The swinging Smoke

This is a somewhat-contrived but genuinely interesting period piece featuring swinging (and seedy) London that is worth watching for the flavour of the times, although some of the scenarios chosen are somewhat curious (for instance, a woman carves up a chicken to feed her cat, which is hardly a unique London experience… unless the rest of the country could only afford Kit-e-kat), and others are dwelt on for too long (a Jewish vaudeville-style theatre event). Much of this jaunt around the city’s social hotspots (some of which are not so hot) appears to be documentary/fly-on-the-wall style reportage footage - watch out for two buxom blondes (one in panto principal boy-style Beefeater garb) that I presume act as our “tour guides” for these various dens of iniquity, and for a brief appearance from Noel (son of Rex) Harrison as an MC. 

However, some of the more sensationalist scenes are obviously staged: one where a punter visits a prostitute in her room (she’s got her name “Trixie” on the door, which kind of gives the game away), and probably those featuring illicit wearing-shades-in-the-dark drug addicts and meths-slurping vagrants as well. Despite that I certainly recommend it for all fans and students of the era. However, don’t watch the main feature on the DVD: instead go to the special features to view the uncut/uncensored version, which has a little something extra (in more ways than one) and is probably the most fascinating part of the film - it seems that it’s perfectly alright for various voluptuous ladies’ breasts to be exposed throughout this film, but not those of a surgically-enhanced female impersonator!

MULHOLLAND FALLS (1996)

LA Lawless

This expensive and lavishly-made 90's Hollywood film seems to slip under the radar for two reasons: it often gets confused for the similarly-titled David Lynch nonsense "Mulholland Drive", and is also overshadowed by the similar but much-more celebrated "LA Confidential" that was released around the same time. Like the latter it is set in post-WWII Los Angeles and focuses on a group of police officers. However this group seem to have cart blanche to deal with the threat of organised crime in any manner they see fit (which primarily means throwing would-be mobsters off the top of the famous thoroughfare mentioned above). However that has little to do with this film, as our fearless quartet of cops investigate a bizarre murder that threatens to be too troublesome even for them.

It features a strong ensemble cast headed by Nick Nolte as the leader of the flash-suit-and-fedora-toting "Hat Squad" (a version of which actually existed for real at the time) who growls his way throughout the film to good effect as the tough-guy with a personal reason for revenge. but his buddies are far-less effective: Michael Madsen has little to do as a sidekick, and a rather portly Chris "brother of Sean" Penn barely does anything other than literally be a passenger in Nolte's stylish convertible. And as second banana/fourth member, Chazz Palminteri doesn't offer the slightest trace of menace required for the role. Plus every word he utters sounds like it was written for a film rather than be actually spoken in real life, therefore making his character more than a little annoying.

Despite that the film is highly-viewable thanks to the glorious recreation of a period that had the greatest style and glamour ever (everybody's smoking like chimneys of course, but that was mega-cool back then). Also Dave Grusin's music is breathtakingly beautiful at times, and remains one of my favourite film scores. But in a way both are wasted thanks to the rather ludicrous and far-fetched plot that involves the military trying to keep a lid on hush-hush activities (renowned character actor John Malkovich is also wasted here if not miscast, playing the most unmilitary-like general I've ever seen on celluloid). Therefore one not to watch too intently, and so simply enjoy the scenery and the soundtrack.

OPERATION OPIUM (1966)

Hardly premium Bond

This is a message film ("drugs are bad!") disguised as an action movie, but not a very good action movie despite being based on an idea by James Bond creator Ian Fleming and directed by Bond franchise regular Terence Young. Apparently commissioned by some anti-drugs agency, many stars of the day agreed to take part in this (mainly in cameos) as a virtual freebie for the 'cause'. Although who knows how many of them were closet cocaine snorters or heroin injectors? At least two had reputations as full-blown alcoholics (main player Trevor Howard being a case in point, as well as the by-now almost unrecognisable Rita Hayworth). However, that was alright as booze was legal.

Howard and co-star EG Marshall do not exactly give 007 sleepless nights as they somewhat tediously make their way around the world trying to stop the evil drug trafficking, although to some it may be light relief to try and identify the numerous familiar faces as they briefly pop up. Fans of Trini Lopez will also be pleased to learn that he performs not one, but two songs for no good or relevant reason. Also: this print presumably comes from an old videotape or something as not only is the picture quality fairly bad, but the soundtrack is of such poor quality it sounds like it was recorded on a bridge over the M1!

OUR MAN IN MARRAKESH (1966)

Towers above other spy spoofs

The poor man’s Cubby Broccoli, legendary/notorious writer and producer Harry Alan Towers churned out a string of international spy thrillers on the cheap in the swinging sixties. However, despite the low budget most (still) look great with their stylish exotic locales – perhaps belying his reputation as a chancer, Towers actually shot mostly on location rather than try to (ineffectively) re-create such far-flung climes in British studios, which was the way of Lew Grade’s ITC productions for example. However, they were usually let down somewhat by weak scripts and/or poor casting - no doubt influenced by the desire to make a fast buck.

Having remembered this with great affection from my childhood, I watched in some trepidation that it might now seem as lame as other similar Towers productions I’ve seen recently. But I’m pleased to report this one still holds up well. In addition to the expected wonderful scenery (the Morocco of that era was an ideal place to mix glamour and sophistication with intrigue and subterfuge), there are excellent villains in the shape of the suave Herbert Lom and the brutish Klaus Kinski plus great turns from much-loved light comedy veterans Wilfred Hyde-White and John Le Mesurieur  as stuffed-suit tourists who may not be all that they seem (also watch out for a cameo by that other comic master Terry-Thomas!). And of course dazzling continental beauties as well, especially the divine Senta Berger as the “whose side is she on?” femme fatale. And as the token American lead (both Towers and Grade often hired jobbing Yank actors in the usually-deluded hope that their productions would sell to the International market), Tony Randall manages to balance his comedic touch with some decent acting as the innocent abroad who is just about resourceful enough to cope with the mess he’s inadvertently blundered into. But perhaps most pleasingly the plot actually holds up to the end, with a twist or two thrown in for good measure too. All in all good escapist fun, and definitely one to watch on a rainy afternoon.

RELENTLESS 4: ASHES TO ASHES (1994)

Great music wasted on a routine slasher flick

A friend passed on this film to watch and prior to that i wasn't aware of it, never mind the fact that it was the last in a franchise that somehow managed to stretch to four movies despite being no better than the average crime series that littered American TV at the time ("Hunter", anything with Lee Horsley and/or superstar-in-waiting George Clooney in it, etc).

Don't worry if you've not seen the other three as you won't be missing anything, despite them all featuring the same character. Plot-wise it's just the standard LA-cop-hunts-down-psychopath-whilst-juggling-personal-problems stuff. It’s okay as a late-night filler when you’re tired and have nothing better to watch, but the only thing on screen that lifts it out of the ordinary is the presence of the alluring Famke Janssen in a pre-fame role as a shrink that the very average-looking (not to mention being a bit on the chubby side) lead gets the hots for, despite her being less-than-helpful with his enquiries (at one point his female colleague scornfully tells him "she's out of your league", which would be quite true were it real-life rather than Hollywood fantasy).

However, the reason i still recommend this despite the above is the music, that really could have done with a better movie than this vehicle. Although it’s set in the present, the smokey noir-style feel suggests an earlier age where such films were scored by the Hollywood legends such as Miklos Rozsa and Bernard Herrmann - although there is none of the cloying sentimentality that is often heard in such soundtracks. I was so impressed i actually got in touch with the composer (Terry Plumeri) and asked if it was obtainable commercially, which he sadly confirmed was not the case. Perhaps this film should be seen just for the above reason, and maybe if it comes into the 'cult' category as a result the soundtrack will get a deserved belated release?

TANK MALLING (1989)

Taking a tanking

This ropey and muddled low budget 80's political conspiracy thriller features Ray "I'm the Daddy!" Winstone (who unlike now was going through a pretty thin time career-wise), giving a pretty unconvincing turn (not to mention being too young for the part) in the eponymous role (I can't recall anyone actually explaining his nickname, and he gets referred to mostly by surname or given name John) as a crusading investigative journalist - playing it as himself i.e. a coc-ker-ney hardman who shouts and snarls a lot. However he's in good company as Amanda “From LA Law to Emmerdale” Donohoe matches him in the OTT emotional over-acting stakes, whilst Jason “Son of Sean” Connery is preposterous as a public school-type Machiavellian spin doctor. And even though Peter “Jason King” Wyngarde gets a rare opportunity after his fall from grace to ham it up as a bent right-wing politician, he (probably quite rightly) just seems tired and disinterested in it all. But in a crowded field the worst acting award goes to Marsha “Brown Sugar” Hunt, sounding like she's reading her lines for the first time in her ridiculous mid-Atlantic accent. The only times it comes to life are when Tank and a light-fingered chum break into the MP's mansion to steal incriminating evidence, and a fight scene at the end. But even the latter is somewhat ludicrously staged - I would guess it was inspired by boxer Nigel Benn who was a big name at the time: he used to almost deliberately take an Ali-style "Rope-a-Dope" pounding from his opponents before finally retaliating with a knockout blow, which is exactly what Tank does here (even though he's up against professional muscle).

Still, at least one can have a bit of fun spotting the familiar faces in the supporting cast: World boxing champions John Conteh and Terry Marsh play a silent hitman and hired thug respectively (roles possibly not stretching their lack-of-acting experience), and there are several of the "London's Burning" crew scattered throughout the film - see if you can spot them all. It also serves as an escape back to the rose-tinted past for those of that generation (like myself), with the hairstyles and clothes looking great (especially the sharp double-breasted suits that were fashionable at the time).

TENEBRAE (1982)

A mess in more ways than one

Although i'm sure the gore content of this slasher pic will satisfy fans (the best bit being when the future-wife of ex-Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi gets her arm chopped off with an axe and her blood spurts all over a wall - some might say it's a shame he didn't get the same treatment), but the plot seemed pretty senseless not to mention stretching belief (who gives a flying fig about that, i hear giallo-heads saying). not that i'm expecting Shakespeare or anything, but it would be handy to at least be able to work out what was supposed to be going on. For example, a woman in a white dress and red stillettos appears from time to time without any apparent explanation why. It turns out (as i found out when i checked Wikipedia) that these are flashback scenes from the middle-aged leading man's youth (not that you'd know - they looked as contemporary as the rest of the film). Also it beggar's belief that one of the victims (who is known to the main man) by a million-to-one chance stumbles across the home of the psychopath. and the end is somewhat absurd - when cornered, the killer apparently commits hari-kiri by producing a knife from his pocket and cutting his own throat, then the policeman (who returns to the scene for reasons unexplained) discovers the body missing and that the knife is a fake prop - would he really have the foresight to have that planned in an emergency all the time? Also, as soon as the cop discovers the fraud why doesn't he immediately arm himself and/or leave the scene to get help instead of presenting himself as the next helpless victim?

Leading man Tony Franciosa (who was apparently trained in the method school of acting) was reported to have had endless arguments and disagreements with director Dario Argento whilst shooting this film, and having watched it I can see why. But the slasher scenes apart I suppose it's also worth a watch for several sexy females, including the stunning one in the flashback scenes - who I later discovered was actually a transsexual, although that has no relevance to the film.

THE BLOOD DRINKERS (1966)

The time wasters

This actually starts quite promisingly with some creepy music over the titles, but soon descends into something quite awful. From the names on the cast list i guessed it was Hispanic, but was actually shot in the Phillipines (an ex-Spanish colony) which explains the jungle backgrounds and the presence of so many Asian-looking people in the cast. Maybe they made it there because it could be done so a lot more cheaply (which might also explain the overuse of tinted screens)? Anyway, as far as the plot (if you can call it that) goes, some Dracula-like caped geezer gets his Wolfman-like henchman to attack and kill various victims - none of whom put up the slightest resistance despite having opportunities to escape. And that's about it. Well, certainly for the first half-hour or so anyway. After that I fell asleep from the tediousness of it all, and never even bothered to watch the rest of it the following day - it was that bad. Perhaps one to be watched whilst under the influence of recreational substances for a laugh, but otherwise best avoided unless desperate.

THE FOUR JUST MEN (TV series, 1959)

The Four Musketeers go global

I have been a massive fan of the ITC 1960’s action/crime series productions ever since I first saw them as a kid. But this one was “before my time”, which is probably why i was completely unaware of it until quite recently. ITC were probably the first British production company to realise the value of filming in glorious colour (long before there were such things as colour tv’s in Blighty, and we are  now reaping the rewards as a result – even if the prime motivation was the American market that was far more advanced in that respect). However even they started off in black and white, which is the case here. But that is actually preferable in this instance, as it highlights the distinctive period feel. Although inspired by the “Robin Hood”-style novel of the same name by early 20^th century pulp legend Edgar Wallace (of “King Kong” fame), it in fact offers a very different agenda whereby four guys who fought together in WWII (and became friends as a result) before going on to be successful in their chosen careers are asked by a recently-deceased mutual acquaintance to act as a team, and (funded by his will) to fight for justice in any way they can.

When I say “team” that is not strictly true, as the opening episode apart (that explains their origins) each one acts individually on a rotational basis from their respective bases around the world to solve crimes and/or correct various forms of injustice (although one or more of the others often pops up at some point to offer help – usually via a long-distance phone call). American newspaper reporter Tim Collier (Dan Dailey) lives in Paris on a houseboat on the Seine (and also drives a fancy white sports car), Ricco Poccari (Vittorio De Sica) is a Roman hotelier and man-about-town, Jeff Ryder (Richard Conte) is a New York-based lawyer and lecturer, and Ben Manfred (Jack Hawkins) is a British independent Member of Parliament who is partial to getting about in a Rolls Royce (which to be honest is not the best kind of car to use if you wish to discreetly tail someone!).

Although all are in their mid-40’s at least, none are married – which surely would have put them in a minority for their generation? Collier seems to have used his easy-going charm to get some kind of romantic thing going with his French secretary/assistant (Honor Blackman, who is far more attractive here than she was as Kitty Galore in “Goldfinger” in my view), whilst Poccari is an impeccable smoothie who has an eye for the ladies (but strangely not his own dazzling personal secretary). Ryder has a lovely young (and adoring) female assistant too, although he never seems to view her as anything than his legal protégée. And the earnest Manfred doesn’t even have a woman for a sidekick, but instead a dour and faithful Scottish manservant  - a relationship that presumably never raised eyebrows back then in the manner it might have if made in more recent times?

But regardless of their romantic entanglements (or rather lack-of them for the most part), all four are equally likeable in their own way as they go about their business putting the world to rights, and certainly none are passengers. However if I had to pick one to follow on with a series of his own (in the way “Jason King” did after “Department S”), then it would probably be New Yorker Ryder. Conte nails the part as a taciturn yet charismatic guy who deals with his situations via quick-thinking and an air of calm assurance – although as he proves on more than one occasion, he can be equally effective with his fists if need be! And although the series was filmed in somewhere like Borehamwood rather than Brooklyn, the excitement and glamour of the Big Apple of that era is quite effectively portrayed with excellent “crime jazz” scores and mostly-convincing accents by mainly British thesps. 

Despite nearly 40 episodes being made, here is also a surprising and uniformly high standard of plots that are quite varied and imaginative. And of course there is always the pleasure of spotting “before they were famous” actors as guest stars – in this case including Oliver Reed (in an uncredited role as a highly-unlikely American law student) and Dame Judi Dench (as an equally-unlikely blonde Italian waitress). But a special mention has to go Frank Thornton (aka Captain Peacock on “Are You Being Served”), who pops up in what seems practically every other episode in minor roles such as policemen, judges, auctioneers and various other officials! 

My only criticisms are a: that (assuming the standard of the plots could be maintained) there was no reason why they couldn’t have made at least as many episodes again; and b: that one or more of the four could have got together in person on occasion to have solved mysteries/fought injustice as a proper team – rather than (usually literally in most cases) phoning in cameos! But otherwise this is wholeheartedly recommended for fans of ITC, and period action/crime drama in general.

THE KILLER SHREWS (1959)

Heard But Rarely Seen

After watching this film I discovered that the leading man James Best later gained fame as the hapless and bumbling Sheriff Roscoe in the 70’s TV series “The Dukes of Hazzard”, but here he plays a handsome and able young sailor (with an admirable quiff) who has reason to visit a remote island where genetic scientists have inadvertently unleashed a mutant monster strain of shrews. Perhaps Steven Spielberg watched this film in his youth and had it in mind when filming “Jaws”, as due to an obviously low budget the monsters’ appearances are kept to a minimum with the director forced to find cheap but effective means of scaring the audience, such as sound effects and extremely brief close-ups of gnashing fangs. A less impressive aspect of this is the boffins’ quarters, where there is a fireplace, a moth-bitten settee and not much else, with bare walls that remind you of the sort of places that crack addicts inhabit as opposed to a research facility. If you allow for that, the cast are actually quite good in the main other than the wooden if attractive female love interest.

However this is still definitely one to watch in the late hours for a cheap post-modern retro thrill, but with a few genuinely scary moments as well. And like many films of its era it’s interesting to view with regard to the social standards of the time. Everyone smokes incessantly (the senior character has a pipe of course) and neck various kinds of booze like it’s going out of fashion despite needing to be alert to face impending danger. But perhaps most amusingly despite being on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere the scientists insist on wearing ties. And our heroine spends much of her time in this dingy dump sporting a conical bra under a skin-tight low-cut top, and a skirt so voluminous it nearly catches fire when she gets a bit too close to the hearth.

THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS (TV series, 1971)

The best of The last of the Mohicans?

When this series was first broadcast, as a young child back then i had several memories: that Windsor "It Ain't Half Hot Mum" Davies was in it (I was wrong - he appeared in the sequel 'The Pathfinder'); that my uncle jokingly referred to my nagging aunt as the fearsome bad guy Magua; and that the Mohicans had the savage hairstyle that came into contemporary culture as a result of this production. it was of course not the Mohicans but their enemies the Hurons with those haircuts, however the erroneous term has stuck - maybe because those who conceived it had equally dim and mistaken recollections? Or maybe just because it sounds cooler? Therefore I felt compelled to watch this again as a period-piece making of a period-piece.

Overall it is worth watching, despite the many drawbacks of the manner in which it was produced. Yes, it is very stage-bound and wordy at times which would certainly put off the audience of today who require instant gratification, but I would say is an authentic aspect of the way novels were written back then (even adventure tales were heavy-going back in those days). Yes, the "Red Indians" (as they were known in that pre-pc era) were played by white British actors, but i felt that the make-up department did a good job in masking that to a large extent (and an extremely detailed one with regard to the skin markings and tattoos, that must have taken a long time to perfect). Whilst i can understand sets being used for interior scenes, it more-than stretches credibility when those set in the forests obviously were too. However I suppose we should be grateful that given the extreme budgetary restraints of the BBC in those days that the whole thing wasn't made in the studios. And yes (spoiler alert!) it seems absurd that after several hundred soldiers are massacred that only the main characters survive, but perhaps that is the fault of the author rather than the Beeb. However, the good points are: the music, the titles, the costumes, and the acting. Most of the latter is perfectly acceptable, including the Native American parts - especially Philip Madoc's portrayal of Magua. Watching it now it is obvious that he is not the panto villain of the piece, but a man who is forced to ever-more extreme means to best or at least obstruct his enemies - not just the traditional Mohican foe, but also the "civilised" English and French who are busy fighting each other over the spoils of HIS land.

I remember watching Michael Mann's big-budget film version of this when it came out (partially because of my recollections of this series), but soon giving up on it as I didn't care for it at all - maybe now I've watched the Beeb's version again I should give that another go to see if it improves on second viewing or still pales beside this?

THE MAIDS (1974)

French maids… but no Ooh La La

If you mention 'French maids' to the average red-blooded English-speaking guy then he's likely to start getting hot under the collar, but although this film is all about women of that ilk there's nothing to get excited about here. Probably like most who see a film with such a title and premise, i was hoping to see at least a bit of kinky S&M-style stuff going on. instead what i got was a tedious dialogue-heavy drama that (apart from some superfluous scenes involving her husband being arrested) takes place entirely within the maids' employer's premises. This is a filmed version of a play, and boy does it feel like it with Glenda Jackson and her fellow (if that's the right word to describe a trio of actresses) thesps laying it on thick as if they're performing at some West End theatre. Apparently the writer Jean Genet envisaged the roles being played by female impersonators - it's a shame they didn't honour his wishes, as it probably would have made it both a lot more interesting and entertaining.

THEY CAME FROM BEYOND SPACE (1967)

Swinging Sixties sci-fi

If you're a fan of the old ITC action/thriller series such as "The Champions" or "Department S", then you'll probably enjoy watching this too - even if just to once again stroll down the memory lane of the halcyon era that was the swinging sixties, and Blighty's uniquely cack-handed approach to it. Several of the supporting cast are familiar faces from the aforementioned shows, and had this been a 50 minute episode of one of them it might have been a bit less creaky and probably wouldn't have seemed that out of place (although in those, such fantastic premises always turned out to be some kind of scam rather than as in this case i.e. that aliens actually invade earth).

Also in common with such series they've got in a second-division American leading man, presumably to appeal to that market (although the strategy never actually seemed to succeed). Unfortunately in this case the guy concerned looks uncomfortably like the former England football manager Steve McClaren, a man you could never imagine saving the planet. Of the other main players, the female lead (and considerably-younger love interest of "Steve") spends much of her time in a zombified state having had her mind taken over by the aliens (although others similarly possessed appear much more normal), whilst the always-watchable Michael Gough is wasted in a five minute cameo right at the end of the film's somewhat lame conclusion. Still, i can think of far worse ways of passing the time then watching this.

TRIUMPH OF THE WILL (1935)

Triumph of A Woman

There are many things that can be said about this momentous film - be it seen from the propaganda perspective originally intended, or as a damning historical document in the light of what was to come. But perhaps the most remarkable thing about it was that in a regime where womenfolk were expected to function merely as compliant "Hausfraus" and bearers of as many of the Reich’s defenders as possible, Hitler actually encouraged (if not insisted upon) actress Leni Riefenstahl making this film that was fundamentally important to the continuing success of his ideology. Apart from being a woman, she was also an inexperienced filmmaker and the industry itself was still very much in its infancy. But despite that, what she produced was not only technically able for the age but also displays a great vision and flair beyond what others were doing at the time.

Unfortunately for her and perhaps the motion picture industry in general, her Nazi affiliations doomed her to post-WWII exile - despite her protestations that she was only interested in the aesthetics and not the politics. Perhaps what was even more regretful in the wake of her trailblazing was that 50 years on there were still no more than a handful of working female film directors (it seemed beards were a mandatory requirement to direct films at that point in time!), and even today in this post-modern world of equality they are still very much in a minority. Perhaps that might have been different had Riefenstahl’s work been judged on its technical excellence and artistic achievement, rather than for what it represented?
 

TRUCK TURNER (1974)

Hayes is The Man

Like certain other successful musicians, blaxpoitation/soul legend Isaac Hayes dabbled with acting throughout his career. But this was his only top-billed film, playing a likeable if rough and tough bail bondsman who is up against it after being forced to take down his latest target rather than take him in. Apart from featuring the usual parade of low-life hustlers, there's also a prolonged car chase and a pretty convincing bar-room brawl, and (although this may grate with the genre purists) i enjoyed watching this film a lot more than i did 'Shaft'. ike does a pretty good job, even if he mumbles a bit too much for my liking at times (and the erratic sound levels didn’t help). And of course he supplies the score, which as you'd expect from the Daddy of such things is pretty good - especially the storming title theme. Of the rest of the cast, the standout (despite being well down the list) is Nichelle Nicols of "Star Trek" fame who plays against type (did she do much else other than the prim Uhura?) and relishes her role as a foul-mouthed brothel Madame who orders the hit on Truck after he shoots her man. Her silver-blue eye shadow doesn't do her any favours, but then again i suppose she's meant to look trashy?

Although it almost goes without saying that any Honkies that appear put down the Brothers with the "N" word and similar racial slurs at the first opportunity before inevitably getting their come-uppance, it is interesting to me as one who never experienced such things first-hand how the black characters also insult each other in a similar derogatory manner with equal vigour - be it in irony or in earnest. Of course being a film this is no-doubt exaggerated, but presumably still reflects black people's attitudes towards each other in those times? One slightly annoying thing about it is that in the way James Bond always survives without a scratch despite often being at the mercy of villains, Truck also never seems to catch a bullet - even when caught unaware by his would-be killers at virtually point-blank range. Perhaps in the interests of credibility they should have offered those roles to Ike’s fellow soul singers Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles?

UP THE JUNCTION (1968)

The grass is greener

The class divide in our green and pleasant land was still an important part of film culture even as recently as the late 60’s, as evidenced by this kitchen-sink melodrama. Suzy Kendall is Polly, a poor little rich girl who ditches her privileged Chelsea upbringing to ingratiate herself with the great unwashed of downmarket Battersea (ironically like many such districts of London these days, it is now just as chic and expensive to live in as the traditional toff areas) who she imagines unlike her own kind live their simple lives happily despite their lack of wealth and opportunities. Even though she makes next-to-no effort to disguise her background by affecting a cor-blimey accent or the tarty look of lower-class women of the time, the locals (who although displaying stereotypical traits aren’t actually quite as she imagined) seem to accept her despite her obvious differences - which makes her feel her choice has been vindicated. She then picks up a likeable but somewhat-troubled-by-his-pleb-roots boyfriend (a young Dennis Waterman, who for once has no need to disguise his thinning thatch) who plays along with her until things get serious, and then (quite rightly in my opinion) points out that she can use her wealth to her (and their) advantage rather than pretend to be poor. Despite that she can’t bring herself to do this even when her new friends get into trouble, presumably because she thinks they’ll then only see her as a cash cow and treat her accordingly?

At two hours long a thin story is dragged out somewhat, but despite the running time still leaves certain issues unexplained, and most frustratingly has an inconclusive ending whereby the viewer is left wondering if Polly sticks with her lifestyle choice or not. However, the good news about this film is that there’s plenty of the flavour of the times (including a barely-recognisable Maureen Lipman as a good-time girl with a heart of gold) for those who are into the whole swinging sixties trip - even if it is at the more grimy and squalid end.

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