Author's Note: This is an update of a feature originally posted on the "Vinyl Vulture" website forum circa 2006 - once I realised the enormity (not to mention the futility and stupidity) of the task ahead, the project was abandoned, but I still contributed the proposed feature anyway. Hope you find it of some amusement (if rather contentious at times)...

If you are a veteran of charity shop crate-digging, I am sure like myself, you will have noticed that the same dreadful old artists and records keep coming up again and again. And again. In fact it seems as predictable that certain acts and albums will be lurking in any given box as night following day. But have you ever wondered, what exactly is the most common charity shop record of all? And who is the most prolific “artiste”? Well I have, and as such have decided to spend some time I have left on this miserable planet to determine these very facts. So, armed with a list of the following contenders for the “prizes”, for the next 6 months, I shall be fastidiously combing the charity shops the length and breadth of the nation to find the definitive article for both categories. Once this task is initiated, every now and then I shall publish a “top 20” style chart of the current placings, along with a running commentary on how events have unfolded. However, before the “races” commence, I should like to give you the lowdown on those I believe the main candidates for these dubious honours, plus a few interesting outside bets.

THE CONTENDERS:

1: Mantovani

On more than one occasion I’ve been in charity shops or suchlike enquiring about Henry Mancini records, and informed “I think we’ve some out the back”, only to be presented with a Mantovani album instead. Oh, well, what’s the difference – they’ve both got orchestras, they’ve both got Italian names, their names both start with the same 3 letters... Actually, Madam, as far as quality is concerned, the difference is as wide as the Atlantic Ocean. Unfortunately on this side of the pond, Hank was easily outgunned by Mantovani’s sickly string-heavy offerings – a very similar situation to the superior Betamax video format being hustled out by the VHS variety, because Joe Public was happy to accept relative mediocrity. I would go as far as to say that in the album stakes, “The World of Mantovani” will be a resounding winner, but the question is, will it volume 1 or 2? Pre-race odds: top album: 1-2 on, top artist: 3-1

2: Jim Reeves

Buddy Holly and Eddie Cochran got there before him, and later on “The King” (see below) and Lennon made it into a kind of art-form. But when it comes to the snoozy side of easy listening, then country-fied crooner “Gentleman” Jim made the definitive case for the old industry saying “death… a great career move”. And of course charity shops wait for the inevitable dumping of albums originally bought for such a pathetic reason, in the same way that crocodiles lie in rivers with their jaws wide open, waiting for downstream-heading fish spawns to swim straight down their throats. Off the top of my head, I think his “Hymns” album will be foremost in the running, although plenty of others are likely contenders. Odds: album: 4-1, artist: 2-1

3: James Last

Back in my childhood my mother used to buy loads of cheapo easy compos (labels like MFP, Contour, etc) as non-threatening background noise to eat dinner to, etc. So I thought one day, enough of this, I shall buy the Rolls-Royce of the genre for her birthday, and shelled out a then-exorbitant fiver on the “Best of James Last”, which turned out to be as bad, if not worse than the stuff she had already. Ever since then I’ve had it in for Lasty – I don’t care how many breaks & beats records he appears on, to me it’s still mainly plodding on-autopilot covers of whatever was popular at the time, plus a few instantly forgettable self-written tunes lobbed in merely to leaven the old bank account. He’s too prolific to hope for any individual album getting further than the lower reaches of the top ten, but as an artist, he should be a good each-way bet for a medal position. Odds – album: 20-1, artist: 3-1

4: The Bachelors

They used to be two brothers and a cousin, until the latter was unceremoniously booted out (after a quarter of a century’s service), for allegedly not being able to carry a tune in a bucket. The remaining duo (perhaps these days they should call themselves “the Pensioners” or maybe "The Widowers") still plod around the lesser venues of this country peddling their cheery Oirish naffness to ever-dwindling crowds of coffin-dodgers. Perhaps they should take up the following suggestion to bolster their tour takings: wherever they play, dispatch a flunky around the local charity shops to snap up all their old albums for peanuts, then sign and sell them to the faithful at a handsome profit – stock would never be hard to acquire for this purpose. Odds - album: 10-1, artist: 5-1

5: Geoff Love

As a “Lord of Lounge”, you will find substantial info on this hardy charity shop crate-filler in the Vinyl Vulture archives. As far his alter-egos go, Geoff’s work as Manuel will substantially improve his chances of making a good chart placing, but I’ve decided to exclude his efforts under the Mandingo banner, because a: it was very much a team effort, and b: I won’t find any Mandingo records anyway. One odd fact about Mr Love: if you know your history, you’ll recall that Lady Jane Grey was the Queen that never was, deposed before her coronation. Well, poor old Geoff was the pop equivalent: the chart-topper that never was. In 1973 it was announced that Manuel’s cover of Rodrigo’s Guitar Concerto had reached No. 1. However, within hours, this chart was annulled due to an “administrative” error, and the amended one had Manuel down at number 3, a placing from which he never rose higher…maybe justice will be asserted posthumously, and Geoff will score pole position here? Odds – album: 20-1, artist: 3-1

6: Andy Williams

Unlike most of the contenders, All-American Boy and family entertainer Andy Williams actually had one or two decent if cheesy tunes in his locker, but obviously he was more interested in making a fast buck than a reputation, as the proliferation of his many albums in chazza shops prove. Some interesting if irrelevant info: apparently the man was so acutely aware of his lack of inches, that even when singing with guests on his long-running TV show whilst both he and they were seated, his stool had to be that little bit higher than theirs. Odds - album: 15-1, artist: 3-1

7: Perry Como

In contrast to Johnny Mathis, Perry’s hobson’s sounds like it’s been coated in mogadon – he’s an obvious graduate of the Crosby College of Crooning (see below). Other than that, I can’t really say too much, except that he’s likely to garner a top ten artist placing courtesy of the millions of Mrs Bradys who were dumb enough to buy his records, especially the "Golden Hits" double LP compilation. Hang on a minute though…I can make an obvious joke by henceforth referring to the man as “Perry Coma” - hold those splitting sides... Odds - album: 10-1, artist: 8-1

8: Johnny Mathis

Somewhat mystifyingly, ex-athlete Johnny’s keening and tremulous tones made millions of women’s knees go weak for the best part of 30 years, before he finally admitted that his sexual preference was for those “of his own kind”. But surely that isn’t the only reason why charity shop floors buckle under the weight of his LPs? Just as likely is the (sadly too-late) realisation that he was just completely awful anyway. As far as I’m concerned, he should very much have stuck to high-jumping for the US Olympic team. Odds - album: 25-1, artist: 8-1

9: Bing Crosby

If anyone was in the right place at the right time (other than “the King”), it was the man affectionally known by millions (but not by me) as “the Old Groaner”. The first main beneficiary of the invention of the microphone, a device without which, Bing’s puny pipes would have had at best, limited success. Talking of technology, did you know that at the end of World War 2, he allegedly had a hand in helping “relieve” the defeated Germans of their innovative tape recording technology, and consequently cashed-in big time. Although he made millions from what was virtually an act of looting through the misfortune of others, I don't suppose he ever gave any of his ill-gotten gains to the widows and children of his fellow-countrymen (and their allies) who made it possible. Odds – album: 25-1, artist: 12-1

10: Max Bygraves

One of my few claims to fame is that I used to live on the same street as Max. Of course, he resided in a mansion overlooking the Bournemouth chines, whilst I roughed it in seedy bedsit-land, but that’s by-the-by. Max recently made headlines for the wrong reasons – records of his donated to a charity shop were politely refused and turned away, the reason given that they couldn’t be given away. Max himself wasn’t too worried, he’d already made millions from flogging his dire “Singalongamax” series to the great unwashed, most of whom have now departed the planet either physically (by snuffing it) or mentally (by spending their remaining days staring into space in nursing homes). Odds: album 30-1, artist 12-1

11: Elvis Presley

Any albums that “The King” put out in the 50’s & 60’s still attract absurdly high prices – even the dire soundtracks. So don’t expect to see too many of those at the chazza shop, unless they’ve been at the mercy of a small child armed with scissors or similar sharp implement (a fate I would happily bestow on virtually all his recorded works). However, just as Vegas blubber hell beckoned, so RCA decided to milk his majesty’s back-catalogue for all it was it worth, flooding the market with budget reissues, compilations, reissues of previous compilations, licencing stuff to Ronco and other budget specialists – nothing was left untouched. And of course when he (rather obligingly for his record label) croaked on the crapper, the exploitation machine went into overdrive. So of course a lot of this stuff has now ended up at Oxfam and the like. Despite all this, I still don’t think Elvis will seriously worry the main contenders. Maybe he’ll sneak into the top-ten artist chart if he’s lucky. Odds – album: 50-1, artist: 20-1

12: Glenn Miller

Like “The King”, RCA remorselessly repackaged and re-pushed the back-catalogue of the forces favourite, in his case decades after his plane dived into the drink (or had a coronary whilst receiving the attentions of a lady of the night, depending on who you want to believe). There’s no definitive album, but expect a solid performance overall. Odds – album: 50-1, artist: 5-1

13: Frank Sinatra

Most of Frank’s crooning contemporaries were vapourised by the advent of “The King” in the late 50’s. However, the man himself managed to cling on to top-dollar album status until the late 60’s, when he made the inevitable descent into budget label country. To the previously-denied great unwashed, who consequently bought loads of such cheapo comps, Old Blue Eyes was not so much “The Voice of the Century”, as the voice of a few weeks, as these albums would listened to a few times, then stuck away in a dark corner, before being unceremoniously dumped into chazzaland some years later. Odds – album: 100-1, artist: 25-1

14: Golden Avatar

When I was at school, a big event was a trip to the Smoke, ostensibly to be led around the Science Museum or suchlike, but really to hang out in (then extremely seedy) Soho, where we would then bump into our peers seeking similar cheap thrills. On one such trip, everyone came back clutching a copy of Golden Avatar’s “A Change Of Heart” album that was given away in the streets to unsuspecting victims. Listening to this album was a variation on the old gag: man finds a rupture belt and kicks himself in the bollocks so he can wear it. Full of dull hippy dippy Hare Krishna claptrap, it was presumably made possible by the misguided sponsorship of the likes of George Harrison, who tragically had more money than he knew what to do with. An obvious contender to be dispatched to the charity shop once one had built up a half-decent record collection. This one is a dark horse (geddit?) for top LP. Odds: album 10-1, artist 99-1

15: David Soul

Yes, the man still universally known as “Hutch”, despite huge efforts to escape typecasting – didn’t he recently appear in “Casualty” or suchlike? Although he actually started out as a singer, to my knowledge he only ever released two albums, both cashing in on Starsky & Hutch mania, which meant their ultimate fate as charity shop fodder was as inevitable as the dynamic duo enlisting the help of Huggy Bear to nail baddies. So his chances of making the top-10 album chart are good, but will it be the one where he’s riding a horse, or the prophetically titled “Playing to an Audience of One”? Odds – album: 16-1, artist: 25-1

16: Bert Weedon

The guitarist best-known for his “Play In A Day” guitar books, Bert made an unexpected killing in the 70’s budget album market with his "22 Golden Guitar Greats” album. In most homes where a copy once resided, it was no doubt one of the first to be earmarked for the charity shop clear-out exercise that occurred a few years on, so a good outside bet for the CSHS trophy. However, Bert failed to capitalise on this success, henceforth apparently existing merely as some kind of ironic “living legend”, popping up on light entertainment TV shows from time to time, so he’s practically a non-starter in the artist category. Odds – album: 7-1, artist: 100-1

17: Henry Mancini

It worked for the “King”. It worked for Glenn Miller. So why didn’t RCA ever get Mancini’s UK sales into gear? Maybe they did sell loads, and his albums are still considered so essential that they’ve never been allowed to leave the tasteful collector’s home. But even as a Mancini fan, that’s wishful thinking on my part, No, probably because Mantovani had already cornered the market. Anyway, whatever the reason, I can confirm that the “maestro” isn’t that easy to come across in chazzaland. It took me the best part of 3 years to assemble the bulk of his releases, and a large part of that is compos or reissues… And you can forget finding copies of his classic early soundtracks like “The Pink Panther” and “Breakfast at Tiffany's”. As such, I am intrigued in finding out if this situation still prevails or not, a few years down the line. Odds – album: 30-1, artist: 25-1

18: Elton John

In my opinion, Fat Reg is at best of moderate musical talent, a classic case of one making a little go a (hell of) a long way. Apart from a brief (and failed) flirtation with soul music in the mid-70’s, he’s basically peddled the same old rubbish to the masses since he started: plodding dirges, barking vocals, and ham-fisted piano playing – does he play with boxing gloves on? Anyway, although albums by rock’s equivalent of Mantovani are now streaming into charity shops (and will no doubt stick there like glue), any sense of schadenfreude is assuaged by the near certainty that they were donated merely because they’ve been replaced by Reg’s CDs. My Reg LP tip is “Sleeping With the Past” recorded at the end of the “hair-weave” years, shortly before making himself even more of an ass by wearing a syrup more suited to a schoolboy than a man of his advancing years. Odds – album: 40-1, artist: 25-1

19: Bros

If this “survey” were being conducted 10 years ago, then there would be a real possibility that this late 80’s teeny trash group could have made a big showing in these stakes with the “Push” album, that had been discarded in it’s millions as the band imploded on its own egotism and the next wave of knicker-moisteners usurped them: Take That, who as far as things here are concerned, may now be breathing a huge sigh of relief that their heyday coincided with the sharp decline of vinyl LP sales. However, on the whole, “Push” LPs now seem to have pushed through the charity shop stage, presumably on to landfill, although they may be more likely to surface at car-boots, should you be anxious to acquire a copy. Similar acts to fall into this category include Adam & the Ants and Shakin’ Stevens. Odds: album 40-1, artist 60-1

20: The Beatles

You can imagine the sharp intake of breath, as the Oxfam stock sorter discovers a Fab Four album lurking amongst the usual detritus of Jim Reeves, etc, shortly followed by a triumphant jig around the shop (in the manner of Walter Houston after discovering gold in the “Treasure of the Sierra Madre”) holding the prized booty aloft, before dispatching it to the specialist vinyl branch, to be immediately priced up not-a-penny below the ludicrously overpriced valuation in the “Record Collector’s Guide”… And you know in their pious ignorance that they won’t accept a penny less either – for heaven’s sake, millions of the things were sold in the sixties, so why do they make out like they’ve found the holy grail? Hopefully the Record Collector Guide will substantially lower their next valuation on any standard Beatles issue, just for the above reasons. Odds – album: 1,000,000-1, artist: 1,000,000-1

In addition to the “Top 20” above, I thought it would be an interesting sidebar to match some certain similar artists (in musical style, as well as “charity shop appeal”) in head-to-head battles:

Battle of the 60’s: Englebert Humperdinck vs Tom Jones

Most people think the 60’s to be dominated by the beat(les) explosion. Not so. Closer examination reveals the old guard still exerted a considerable grip i.e. comedian Ken Dodd scoring over a dozen top 30 hits with sickly ballads including the vomit-inducing chart-topper “Tears”. However, the Guv’nors were former working men’s club crooners Humperdinck & Jones. Astute manager Gordon Mills targeted their old-fashioned appeal at those too square for the swinging scene, and thus ensured that in many ways, they were just as successful as the Beatles, Stones, et al. In fact, “the Hump” notoriously spiked the Fab Four’s 11-strong unbroken run of number one singles with his melodramatic plea to “Release Me”, whilst Jones had another massive No. 1 hit with the crooner’s wet-dream “Green Green Grass of Home”. And of course, each recorded albums full of showbiz schmaltz that was lapped up at the time. Whilst Engelbert never disappointed the (now fast-disappearing) faithful, Jones has since reinvented himself more than once as some kind of retro-cool icon, but even his recent stuff soon wends it way to the charity shops, so he may yet rival Engelbert in this particular contest. Odds - Engelbert: 2-1, Tom: 5-1

Battle of the 70’s: Leo Sayer vs Gilbert O’Sullivan

The similarities between these two “singer-songwriter” artists are almost uncanny: both kick-started their career as vaudeville-like turns (Gilbert as a flat-capped Hovis delivery boy, and Leo as a Peirrot-style clown). Once established, both discarded their novelty costumes in favour of 70’s casual wear and bubble perms, both had crooked managers (O’Sullivan’s was the above-mentioned Gordon Mills, whilst Sayer signed up with ex-pop-star-turned-actor and wheeler-dealer Adam Faith) whom were later sued by their ex-charges (in the post-fame wilderness years), for financial irregularities i.e. screwing their clients big-time… And of course both continue to give the charity shop ladies plenty of work to do. Leo’s “Best of” album is likely to give the pint-sized cheeky chappie a big edge here. Odds – Leo: 2-1, Gilbert 4-1

Battle of the 80’s: Howard Jones vs Nik Kershaw

Two decades ago this pair were slugging it out to become the deep-thinking-yet-still-loveable icon of the frivolous 80’s pop scene. They seemed inextricably linked (and were sometimes confused for each other) through their somewhat dense and ponderous synth-dominated works that belied their absurd fashion sense of cockatoo mullets and OTT costumes. They also both reached their sell-by date at the same time too (about 3 years after their first hits), although charity shops didn’t start stockpiling their LPs until several years later - presumably when approaching-30-something newly-weds departed the family nest. Like the other matches, it will be interesting to see if their close rivalry continues posthumously, so to speak. This is probably the most difficult one to predict the outcome. Odds – Howard: evens, Nik: evens